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Episode 26/Transcript
Trisha: Item six on the agenda: cheer tryouts. Brittnay: I'm sorry, why are we hosting cheer tryouts a week before cheer nationals? Mackenzie: We need to replace Jenna Darabond. Brittnay: What the hell happened to Jenna Darabond? Trisha: Well, uh, we're not sure exactly. Um, I have my best people on the case though. According to research, her Facebook hasn't received a status update in two months, when she just wrote, "I am the one who knocks." I don't know if she was buying a door, or what, but this case is cold, it's ice cold. Brittnay: Ok, well why haven't we just— Trisha: She hasn't even been tagged in a photo since Winter Carnival okay! (Brittnay gasps) Trisha: I have six freshmen staking out her house in twenty-four hour rotations. Brittnay: Ok, well, regardless, why don't we just with the fucking five people we have? Mackenzie: Did you not read the entire Cheer National Handbook PDF that I emailed to you? Brittnay: No. Mackenzie: Trisha! Trisha: Article Four, section Six-B: In order to compete, all cheer squads must cheer with a minimum of six members. Failure to do so will result in disqualification. Mackenzie: And I will not run the risk of disqualification in front of Jeannie Halverstad. Brittnay: (Brittnay's phone rings) Sorry, uh, who the fuck is Jeannie Halverstad? Mackenie: Seriously, do you think I'm sending these emails for my own fucking good? Trisha! Trisha: Jeannie Halverstad is the top modeling agent for pre-teens and young adults in all of the Central, South, and Eastern United States. Mackenzie: She is also the head judge of the 2013 Cheer National Competition. She has direct connections to Seventeen, Teen Vogue, Sassy Magazine— Trisha: Don't forget Teen Beat. Mackenzie: I didn't forget Teen fucking Beat, Trisha! One word from Jeannie Halverstad, and I can go from part-time model to semi-full-time model. Brittnay: Fine, but if we want to win, we can't just bring in any ass-hat off the street. (Brittnay's phone rings) They have to be good. I mean this isn't the fucking water polo team. (Everyone laughs) Mackenzie: I pissed a little! I pissed a little! (Later) Mackenzie: Alright, who's first? (Shay walks over) Brittnay and Mackenzie: Next! Shay: Goddammit, fine! Trisha: Alright thank you! I think she showed some real promise there! Mackenzie: Next! (Judith and Rachel walk over) Brittnay: Oh fuck me! Maackenzie: Where the hell have you two been? Judith: Well, we got a series of part-time jobs! Rachel: Yeah, we really been getting our shit together! (A flashback is shown of Judith backing up a car.) Rachel: Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. (Judith hits Rachel) My shin! ...Too far. (A door opens to show Judith) Judith: Hi! (The door slams shut) (Another door opens to show Judith) Judith: Hi! (The door slams shut) (Another door opens to show Judith) Judith: Hi. Rachel: Wanna buy some knives? (The door slams shut) (A flashback is shown of Judith and Rachel in a recording studio) Judith: Hey, it's Judy and the Red in the morning! (A car horn honks multiple times) Oh you know what that means! Time for traffic with Rachel! Rachel: Um, there is a car... It's in an accident... It's really bad! (Present) Brittnay: Okay. Mackenzie: Do you have a cheer prepared for your tryout? Judith: Yeah, you bet your ass we do. Rachel: Ready? Judith: Okay! Give me an O! Rachel: You got your O, you got your O! Give me a V! Judith: You got your V, you got your V! Give me an E! Rachel: You got your E, you got your E! Brittnay: Alright! I think we've seen enough! Judith: Oh! Did we get it? Mackenzie: Well, why don't you give us a chance to talk it over, and then we'll tell you no later. Rachel: You guys wanna buy some knives? Brittnay: Next! Trisha: Guys, what did you think they were spelling? Brittnay: Next! Tristan: Well, hello ladies! Brittnay: Um, don't you go to another school? Tristan: Well, yes, Blue Valley Northwest, but that doesn't mean that I don't have spirit! Mackenzie: Right, but this is a tryout for Overland Park Cheer Squad. You can't be on the team if you don't go to our school. Tristan: Well, then maybe you shouldn't post your flyers in a goddamn Starbucks where any boy with a dream and a triple whip mocha frap can see it! Good day! Brittnay: Hey, we're still on for facials Friday night, right? Tristan: Oh sweetie, I get a facial every night! But, yes, we're still on. Love ya, bye! Trisha: Wow, that girl was beautiful. Brittnay: Next! Belinda: Hello girls! Mackenzie: Lunch Lady Belinda, this is a cheer try-out. Brittnay: Yeah, not a meeting for the Association of Old Bitches Who Smell Weird and Serve Shitty Food to Minors While Making Inappropriate Comments Under Their Breath! Trisha: Oh! The AOBWSWSSFMWMICUTB! I didn't they had an Overland Park chapter! Belinda: (laughs) Oh girls, very very funny, but I think you'll all change your tune when you see this! (Belinda takes off a trenchcoat, revealing a cheer uniform) Mackenzie: Ugh, did you get that out of the trash! Belinda: Finders keepers, losers pay retail. Brittnay: Ew, it has a blood stain on it. Belinda: Do you know how much of my wardrobe has a blood stain on it? Mackenzie: It doesn't even fit you! (The camera pans down, showing a blurred out section below the skirt) (Brittnay retches) Trisha: So, um, Lunch Lady Belinda, are we, uh, gonna hear a cheer, or...? Mackenzie: We are so fucked! Trisha: Mackenzie! Stop with the fucks! Your hair! Mackenzie: What does it even matter, Trisha? I'm not gonna need my fucking hair if we're not even able to compete! How are we gonna find someone? Trisha: Ugh, I know, so many good choices! Mackenzie: (Brittnay's phone rings) Brittnay! What the fuck is going on with your phone today! Brittnay: I don't know! Everyone keeps texting me about this stupid Youtube video. Trisha: Oh, it's probably that Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video. It's so funny! Brittnay: What Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video? Trisha: Oh you haven't seen it? Here. (A video clip from episode 20 of Brittnay's rant is shown) Brittnay: What the fuck?! Mackenzie: Trisha, how many views does this have? Trisha: I don't know like, six million. Brittnay: Excuse me, why didn't you tell me about this? Trisha: Well, I mean, it's funny, but it's not Cat Dressed as a Shark Riding a Roomba Chasing a Duck funny. Brittnay: Trisha, you know that's me, right? Trisha: (gasps) You're Epic Cheerleaer Meltdown? Oh my god! Can I have your autograph? Brittnay: Who the fuck even put this on the internet? Producer: Uh, a fucking genius, that's who! Brittnay: What the fuck are you doing here? Producer: I'm here to tell you two things: you're famous and you're welcome. Brittnay: Welcome for what? Producer: Well since you ruined my episode with your hot little gutter mouth, I decided to salvage what I could by posting your rant on the internet, and now the network wants to give you your own show. (Brittnay gasps) Mackenzie: You've got to be fucking kidding me. Brittnay: I'm getting my own TV show! Producer: Yep, TV show, all about you, your story, what you're all about. Trisha: The Brittnay show! You'll love it, it's a lot of fun. Producer: Only thing is you can't curse and you can't make any references to sex. Brittnay: Uh, excuse me, that video on the internet is filled almost exclusively with cursing and references to sex. Producer: Exactly! That's why you're getting your own TV show! Brittnay: But if it's my own show, it's all about me— Producer: All about you as long as you're the you that we want you to be. Brittnay: But the me I want to be likes to curse. Producer: Not as much as you'll like money! Brittnay: But I like talking about sex. Producer: You'll talk a lot more about how famous you are! Mackenzie: Britt, we need to deal with cheer nationals. Producer: Oh, cheer nationals sounds like a great first episode. Mackenzie: Actually, we're not going to be able to go to cheer nationals without a sixth squad member, and we need to figure that out. Producer: Problem solved! I've got your sixth member right here! Saison: Good afternoon Brittnay! Brittnay: No fucking way! Producer: I think you mean no freaking way, and let me just tell you audiences love watching you yell at a pregnant chick! So she's in, I'll see you in Daytona Beach! Bring sunblock, bitches! Ripped, yeah! Trisha: Wait, wait, does this mean we have seven members on the squad? (on phone) Hi, do you have cheer uniforms for kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah, negative 8 months. Yeah, waterproof, please. (Cut to Belinda) Belinda: (various buttons appear while she's talking) This is my school, it's Overland Park, but by court order, I can't be here after dark. Give me a V! Brittnay: (offscreen) V. Belinda: Give me an A! Brittnay: (offscreen) A. Belinda: Give me a G—! Brittnay: (offscreen) Oh, no. No. No. No. Belinda: 2, 4, 6, 8, this is how I masturbate! Brittnay: (offscreen) Please, god no. Belinda: Settle down, it's just a cheer. Plus there's no outlets around here, how did you think I was gonna do it? Eat my taters, enjoy my tots, here are my buns, and this is my twat. ladytatertot@gmail.com. Out, bitches.